When all is said and done, the secret card hurts worse than the friend card.

When all is said and done, the secret card hurts worse than the friend card.

Yet again, another guy who only wants me until something else comes back from the past or from the future.
Its not fair. Every guy I am interested in only wants me "secretly" and I agree until I realize how much it hurts and I cant tell them that.

Today I finally stuck up for myself and told one of them, a newer one. We had only been talking for about . . less than a week and he said that his heart is with another girl and that he shouldnt have been flirting with me in the first place. NO KIDDING!

When I told him he was atleast the 5th guy this year to pull this "secret" bullshit on me, he actually apologized and said he wanted to still be friends. Not fuck buddies. Just friends. Yeah, okay. Like I am really going to be nice to this guy now? He is the same as all the others and it hurts.

Now I look back on all the guys that I have told that I just want to be friends. Friends are better than someone wanting to keep you a secret. Wanting to sleep with you because they are afraid to tell their friends or someone else they have feelings for. An engaged man, A single man who loves someone who is in a relationship. What else? I could go on for days, but I want.

I just know it hurts.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Less than a month until my birthday and 20 something days until Christmas. I sure am thankful for my family & very few friends. I dont need a ton of gifts to make me happy or a huge party with lots of booze.

Just a few things to think about during this "holiday" season.

Boys, Boys, Boys

And here lies my biggest problems..

CH- we break up, his mom wants me back in his life, i call him and he ignores my calls. he comes around when he feels like it and im sick of jumping back to him when something goes wrong. I am keeping my head up and staying single.

JD- the best guy friend any girl could ask for. will do anything, anywhere, anytime for anyone. constantly gets walked all over but still says strong and sweet. second guess myself as to why I am not with him and realize it will destroy our friendship.

JJ- great friend, but dont have any "feelings" for him or a relationship. just a great guy to bring around as a date or hang out with.

TC - lives way too far away but i feel that i could pack my bags and marry him tomorrow. we have so much in common and he never fails to make me happy.

BH - obsessed with me. doesnt understand when to back off. i really think he is a great guy, but i have such a hard time "controlling" him when we are out in public. he does not have the best manners, but he is a sweet guy

AP- another great guy. have fun everytime we hang out, even though he is so far away. he makes me laugh and does not try to take advantage of me. perfect boyfriend material, but already has a child of his own.


..... if only i could find a guy to date who is a combination of all of the above. until i find someone that makes me truely happy... I will stay single :)

And this, would be friendship :)

ME (1:36:03 AM): im chopping my hair off in the morning
ME (1:36:06 AM): getting it colored black
ME (1:36:11 AM): and getting my nose pierced

"JD" (1:36:12 AM): WHAT!

ME (1:36:14 AM): no more holding back
ME (1:36:21 AM): i dont want to be me anymore
"JD" (1:36:27 AM): why not?

ME (1:36:44 AM): im hoping everything will change if i change who i am
ME (1:36:53 AM): no more being nice to guys
ME (1:36:59 AM): (except my JD)

"JD" (1:37:27 AM): dont pierce your nose

ME (1:37:35 AM): i hate my nose
ME (1:37:44 AM): if i dont do my nose, im doing my nipples

"JD" (1:37:47 AM): pierce your nipple and dye your hiar black

"JD" (1:42:12 AM): im just waiting for you
"JD" (1:42:14 AM): black
"JD" (1:42:16 AM): blonde
"JD" (1:42:18 AM): nose
"JD" (1:42:21 AM): nipples
"JD" (1:42:28 AM): depressed
"JD" (1:42:31 AM): happy

"JD" (1:44:31 AM): and i'll always be your friend
"JD" (1:44:35 AM): just be*
"JD" (1:45:39 AM): i will be whatever you want me to be for you
"JD" (1:45:44 AM): friend
"JD" (1:45:47 AM): invisible
"JD" (1:46:24 AM): sugar daddy
"JD" (1:46:32 AM): enemy
"JD" (1:46:42 AM): boyfriend

A little Taste of Summer

Summer has begun and Im not sure that its really feeling like summer yet.

I started both of my jobs babysitting for two families. Im working more hours than I am earning dollars, atleast it feels that way.

I need a vacation. Desperately.
My family is away, and im home (depressed).

All of the ties between me and friends from high school have totally let loose.
Any friends I made in college drifted away (except for one... thanks kelly!!).

Im thinking that I need a real job where I can meet people my own age.
Maybe switching colleges will really help me and I can make some new friends.
Let me rephrase that..I need to make new friends that are girls so I can get in a relationship that will last.

Relationships.. oh yeah. Lets not go in to that subject tonight, my night has not been all that great to begin with.

...so true

It's easy to forget how perfectly life works out. When you are down, youbelieve that things never work in your favor. But if you look back, you seethat, in many cases, things happened exactly the way they needed to.

mom never told me there’d be days like this

Mom spent the week in the hospital.
I am stuck at school and miserable.
Wish I could be there for her tonight though.


Miss you mom.
Love you and cant wait till after spring break.
xoxoxox